Break Even
by beautymarksandbroadway
Summary: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing


I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

(Letter number one)

_Rachel, I know you will most likely never read this. I just want to get a few things off my chest. You broke my heart this time around, so I guess in a dark twisted sense, we're even. I broke your heart and now you've broken mine. I know it's always going to be between Hudson and me, which personally I don't understand. He's like poison to you. He changed you, and not in a positive way. I know that you grew older and wiser and a bunch of other crap, but that doesn't mean you turn your life upside down. He's changed you, He's molded you into the girlfriend he wanted, and it's not you. He's dulled down your style, made you think that you're real dream is to be his trophy, and we both know it's not. That day, nationals when you kissed that barbaric oaf, even though I was aware you didn't know I was in the audience, it still killed me. I thought we had made real progress, but I guess I always knew you are a triple threat. _

Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in  
>Cos I got time while she got freedom<p>

(Letter number 29)

_Rachel, I heard about your big debut on Broadway. I've been here awhile on the stage, and I'm more than glad that I partially share it with you. I knew you'd make it. I had no doubt, well except that Hudson would stop you, I'm glad he didn't. You're the talk of the musical world right now, and I know you are loving it. I hope you're ok, wherever you might be. I wish I had the gut to send this to you, or something. But then I'd look like a desperate single, or a fame leech. Congratulations though, I'd knew you make it. _

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

(Letter number 50)

_Rachel, Your show is amazing. I've seen it a few times. I think we both know you are the reason it keeps selling out, you are five feet full of pure talent. It's a stretch, but imagine how fast we'd sell out a show together. With our undeniable talent and chemistry we'd sell shows out like that. I'm doing well. I met this girl the other night, but there wasn't anything there. She's just another face in the crowd. It seems like life is just one big blur, nothing to look forward to except performing, it's my only love for right now. _

Her best days will be some of my worst  
>She finally met a man that's gonna put her first<p>

(Letter 65)

_Wow. Engaged. Congratulations. I'm happy for you. Though I'd be lying if I said if I didn't wish it was me. It's ridiculous really. I haven't seen you in months and I'm acting like we're still something remotely close to friends. I just can't let you go. I don't think I'm going to be able to let you go. Normal people would consider our relationship, a silly high school fling, but i know it wasn't for me at least. Even though I never intended for it to happen, you became my entire world. You understood me, my parents were rarely there for me and most of my friends were everyman for himself. Then there you were, understanding, kind, beautiful, and talented. You are the complete package; I'm honestly surprised you haven't gotten engaged faster. I just read the headline because I refuse to see the man's name who you will be marrying. Lucky son a bitch that man is. And I truly wish it was me. _

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping  
>Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no<p>

Letter (76)

_Rachel, I heard your wedding got pushed back a year. I hope you are ok. And for your sake, I hope whoever your fiancée it that he's ok too. I guess it would be childish to hold a grudge against your fiancée. So I am not going to do it. Jessica, my sister visited last week, it's weird how lonely you realize you are when someone visits, and leaves. I live in a loft near all the hustle and bustle of New York. It's kind of fun to people watch, see the little kids running around, the events come and go, the occasional fights. I know you'd think it's fun, it would be a hell of a lot entertaining with you here, I am positive of that. _

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,  
>And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok<br>I'm falling to pieces, yeah,  
>I'm falling to pieces<p>

(letter 89)

_Rachel, yesterday I was doing some spring cleaning. I came across a box of stuff from high school, I found the care bear. I set it on a shelf in the bedroom. I remember when you won it for me; it's adorable just like you. It's nice to have reminders that you are still real, and I didn't make you up, because now it seems like I did. I also found a picture of us at that roller skating rink, I was laughing to myself because that pregnant cheerleader must have been something if she could roller skate while that pregnant. Anyway, I also have pictures of us at your prom, before Hudson started up and ruined the entire night. There were a few more things in there like the wiggles concert tickets, remember how you wanted to go? Just fond little memories, I guess. _

They say bad things happen for a reason  
>But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding<br>Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving  
>And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no<p>

(letter number 99)

_Rachel, I'm sorry you're so got canceled, that's fucked up that people working in the show we're trying to harm people with the special effects, and stealing money from it. I guess that gives you a conversation starter though. I know you will find an even better show to sell out. My guess would be a new musical or evita; you'd be perfect for it. Or who knows, maybe funny girl is in the works as I write this. My life's remotely good. I'm still the male lead in the production of grease, I don't know if you've seen it or not. I guess you wouldn't necessary pop up and talk to me. I should stop writing these letters; it's giving me false senses of hope. _

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,  
>And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok<br>I'm falling to pieces, yeah,  
>I'm falling to pieces, yeah,<br>I'm falling to pieces  
>(One still in love while the other ones leaving)<br>I'm falling to pieces  
>(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)<p>

(letter number 115)

_Rachel, it's lonely around here. I know I've said it before but since it's valentine's day and everything's decorated around town, and everyone walking is holding hands. It sounds like I'm a bitter 20 year old. I guess that's because I am. I seem to be bitter about a lot of things. Young love seems to put me in a horrible mood for some reason. My college friends keep trying to set me up, and I keep telling them no. They're starting to make assumptions. Honestly I just don't even think of dating anymore. I'm just trying to focus on walking through life, and when it's over. It's over. _

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain  
>You took your suitcase, I took the blame.<br>Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh  
>Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.<p>

(letter number 129)

_Rachel, I'm thinking of moving. I've lost all sense of everything. Maybe a move to a quite area will be good. Clear my head get everything back on track, not just taking a ride through everything. Maybe I'll ever try to start dating again, maybe. I doubt it though. I'm not sure where I'd be moving, maybe to some part of Maine, or maybe right in the middle of the country somewhere. I honestly have no clue, but it sounds good, for me. There hasn't been much news of you in the papers, hope you are still ok. _

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
>Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in<br>Cos I got time while she got freedom  
>Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break<br>No it don't break  
>No it don't break even no<p>

(letter 136)

_Rachel, I've decided on Texas. I'm not sure if I'll like it there, but it seems good. I'm going out tomorrow to buy boxes. Sooner or later I'll have to rent a moving truck, but right now it's purely packing. It's going to take some time to pack all this crap. I don't even know how I acuminated so much. I've barely been in New York for two years. I guess its fine. I hope new york will be ok without me, Well I'll have to tell myself new york is devastated with my move, for my ego's sake. You always liked to tease me about my ego, it was cute. I'll still write letters to you, that I will never send, but at least it's something. _

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and  
>What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok<br>(Oh glad your okay now)  
>I'm falling to pieces yeah<br>(Oh I'm glad your okay)  
>I'm falling to pieces yeah<br>(One still in love while the other ones leaving)  
>I'm falling to pieces<br>(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no  
>Oh it don't break even no<br>Oh it don't break even no

_Jessica (Jesse's Sister)_

Why can't he mail his own stupid mail? I'm not his servant. I sigh and flick on the kitchen light, I wander over to his desk, I don't see any things on the desk top. I start going through the desk. I find a huge stack of letters. I set them on the desk, why would he want to send all of these? Whatever, it's his damn mail and a shit load at that. After I mail these I should ask him about it.

It takes five minutes to get them all stamped, and three minutes to get them all into the mail box as the post office.

_Rachel_

The wedding was called off weeks ago, Finn and I, just weren't going to make it. I broke off the engagement, something was just telling me it was the right thing to do, Finn was convinced it was another man, and that the other man was Jesse . I hadn't talked to him in years. I did go see his show a few times though; he's still amazing as ever if not better. I just finished another yelling match with Finn. It's stupid how he's still on me about it. I told him my reasons and he won't accept them. I'm generally feeling like shit most of the time. I open the door to my apartment and step on something; I look down and all over the floor and letters, a lot of letters.

I collected them all and set them on the table. I opened the first one.

_Rachel, I heard hello on the radio today, it's embarrassing to admit even though you'll never read this, but I broke down. I miss you and I know I've wasted a lot of tree's basically saying the same thing over and over again with no intention of actually giving any of these to you. ~Jesse _

I re-read the letter. All of these are from him? But if he had no intention of sending these, who did? I smile at his little confession. Then I remember there's an entire table covered with his letters.

I laugh at his letter, imagining him writing this, smiling proud of himself for being clever. I let a tear fall as I read another letter about him putting the care bear in his room, his friends are probably curious about it. I feel a rush of unexplained anger as I read about his friends trying to set him up, they should just leave him alone. And after an entire night of reading I'm down to the last few. I start to choke a little on my drink as I read that he's planning to move away, I don't want this to happen. I grab my coat and keys and dash out my door without thinking.

I feel as if the subway could go any slower. I clutch the letter in my hand with the return address on it, praying he isn't gone. "You got ants in your panties girl?" I look over to see a little old lady looking at me. "No ma'am I'm just in a rush" I tell her. "Why?" she asks squinting, looking me over. "I have to try to stop someone from moving away, to Texas" I tell her. "Why?" she asks again. "I- I don't know" I admit softly. "Then why you going to stop the person from moving?" she asks me. "I don't want them to leave" I tell her getting agitated. "Why?" she asks me again. "I don't know! I broke off my engagement a few weeks ago and I've been feeling really low, my ex fiancée keeps yelling at me, but I knew we'd never work out and it would have been a miserable marriage." I tell the women.

"You in love with the boy that's moving" she tells me. "W-what? No-"I let out a shaky laugh. "- I just really care about Jesse, and he wrote these letters, I was never supposed to get but somehow did and they made me miss him and I can't let him move" I tell her. She smiles carefully at me. "You love the Jesse boy" she tells me. I don't reply because my mouth refuses to open to disagree. The subway stops. "You go get'em girl" the women tells me as I hurry off the subway.

I keep running, with the letter clutched in my hand, my feet are aching from rehearsals today, and these heels are killing me, if I had time I'd take them off. I keep running, I look down at the address, I stop running and look around, I found it. I run up to the door and yank it open. I press all the caller buttons hoping someone picks up. "Hello?" I hear an old feeble voice. "Hi, my name is Rachel and I need to get into Jesse St. James apartment, can you please buzz me in?" Ask her. "The curly hair one?" she asks. "Yes, yes please let me in" I beg her. "Fine" she tells me as I hear the door click open. I hurry out a thank you and run up the stair case. It should be 35D, I hurry my pace looking at each door, I find it with the door open. I walk in. "Jesse?" I ask. I get no reply, the more loft like place is almost empty except a few papers scatted all over. I creep over to them.

_Rachel, I know this is hurried, and you'll never see this. But I'm leaving for a while. And I'm not sure when and if I'm coming back, but I love you _

I stop reading and grab the letter, I run out of his apartment loft, and back down the stair case. I spot a moving truck on the street. I fling the door open and run outside. "Jesse?" I yell. I run out to the truck. I probably looked crazed to onlookers. "Jesse?" I yell again. "Rachel?" I turn around to see him; he has a box in his hands. "You can't move" I tell him. "Who told I was moving?" he asked me. "I got the letters. All of them." I tell him, and for a second his face turns white. "You did?" he asks me. I nod. "That's how I found you, I took a letter and ran" I tell him. "Why?" it's a simple question that I don't know how to answer. "I- don't know, I just knew you couldn't leave me, New York" I tell him. "I would never leave you" he tells me stepping closer, and I know what's coming and now I'm just waiting for it.

I smile against his lips. "I love you" he tells me. I look at him, he's not waiting for anything back, and he's just saying it for me to know. "I love you too" I whispered to him, I can sense the shock in him; he smiles and elopes me in an embrace. "Maybe I'll have a wedding after all"


End file.
